The Anger Menu

I recently had a parent meeting for an 11 year old. The child was struggling with academics at school, and also with emotional regulation at home. This otherwise very sensitive, kind and gentle child was now displaying big emotions of anger and frustration.  Needless to say, the parents were very concerned about his behavior, his safety as well as their own. They wanted to explore appropriate consequences for when he gets out of sorts with the hope of deterring future such meltdowns.  

This approach, however, takes our attention away from the root need of the child. Every behavior is a form of communication. This 11 year old is communicating a desperate need loud and clear. So instead of exploring appropriate consequences (after the fact actions), we need to explore the origin (before the fact investigation). I began exploring and the child’s routine both at home as well as at school. I was curious about any changes in his immediate environment. I wondered what his classroom dynamics were, I asked about how he was doing and keeping up with the middle school transition. I also wondered what games he was into and what he did with his free time, and if he even had any free time! How much movement does the child get in a day? 

Much to the parents dismay and surprise around all this exploration, I continued to be the investigation by asking about the child’s biological rhythms. Did the child sleep well? How is he eating? What is he eating lately? What are meal time routines like at school as well as at home . 

All these questions and curious wonders slowly revealed some possibilities that might be at the root of the child’s display of anger. Every behavior is a communication. My goal in wondering about so many seemingly unrelated things was to understand the child’s inner working model. Checking for where the balancing scale is tipped helps us figure out what the need is. A child is working through and juggling several moving parts in his day. Any imbalance in one or more of these moving parts can cause the child to not feel internally safe and successful. Once we identify which bucket is overflowing, we can help support the child with strategies to offload and therefore then be able to self regulate.

I invite you to begin exploring the behind the scenes for your child’s behaviors. Maybe you keep a running record in a journal if you see a behavior reoccur. Do you see a pattern? If there is one thing I have learned over the years in working with children it’s this: they want to be seen. For us to see them, we have learn to see around them too! Try it.