The Candy Store Feeling
Ok. This post is a serious ramble. Bear with me.
The Independent Parent (IP) phase began this Thursday. Dropped my daughter off and came back to an empty house. With children gone, fragments of their personal belongings spread around the house as reminder of what once was a full and bustling space, the house seemed quite bare. Yes, this may seem like an over dramatization, but believe me, the difference between Saturday prior and Thursday was quite stark, both visually and energetically. What was consuming me more than any other feeling was the sense of loss of a childhood (for me – being a child with my children, and that of my children who are now almost independent adults), as well as a deep sadness for all the things I could have done differently for my children. So, basically, Thursday was spent in recovering from exhaustion, both physical and mental. I worked through it with the help of friends, some tears, a lot of thinking and listening to self, and yoga practice.
The days that followed, were uplifting. I actually felt like a child in a candy store! Overwhelmed with all the options available to me! It was as if I stepped into what felt like this vast place with huge shelves of possibilities and buckets full of gobs of time and open windows flowing in unlimited potential. My head swimming with combinations and ideas; wanting to get to everything all at once. I think I now have more compassion for that child in the candy store with eyes wide open, jaw dropped, feeling lost in wonderland than I ever did even when my children were young.
I suppose I would prefer to have this feeling than the feeling of being lost and not knowing who I am if not a mother. I am blessed to have a thriving career, developed hobbies, varied interests, a healthy state of being and a network of friends with whom I connect with on a personal level, as opposed to as a mom. I am grateful to have spent all these years building myself to get ready for this IP phase.
The organized part of me has been hard at work since that first feeling of being in the candy store. I have made lists and schedules, charted out priorities and drawn out boxes to categorize them. The care taker part of me is now taking care of me, reminding me to take it one step at a time, not over schedule myself, chant the mantra “all in due time”. Each day I am putting one foot in front of the other and embracing this new feeling of vastness.
I speak to my children multiple times a day. I notice how our relationship feels different. Connected, yet not meshed. Each going our separate ways while feeling the others presence as a grounding force. The circle of security that keeps us together also allows us to launch off of each other and fly. In-Dependent feeling. Not individual, not indifferent. Independent.
