Priorities

Noticing an interesting phenomenon in my little head. As an observer, here is what I notice about my thought patterns or should I say activity patterns to be.

I have an open block of time. I walk around the house doing this and that. Putting things away, doing the dishes, organizing or taking things from one place to another and so on. In the process I am making a mental note of several other things that I could do or that need to be done. Things like need “I to buy birdseed”or “I need to organize the toolbox.” Need to, need to, need to. Notice, notice, notice. Add to the to do list, add, add.

But here is what is interesting lately. I’m finding myself slowly but surely being able to prioritize all of these to-do’s and need to’s. I admit that my first response is to make the most of the time I have available and do it all right then and there. The feeling of panic that if I don’t do it now things will never get done or this time will never come back again. Both of these panicky feelings are very strong and cause me physical discomfort. I understand that this feeling is due to the automatic trauma response from the early years but I realize that the time has come to consciously change that pattern.

With intention and mindful awareness, I am noticing more and more so that when I see such patterns of adding to the lists or feeling the panic creeping in, I talk to myself about how there is always an appropriate day and time for things to be done. I reassure myself that if those things are not done, it will be OK and that I would still have accomplished a lot more than one can hope for.

Here’s an example to highlight what I mean. I prepared myself to begin working on my indoor seed starting project. I attended an online webinar to learn, took notes and mentally scheduled some time for me to begin this project. I went to the garden store and got myself the supplies. The schedule time for me was today, Monday, a day when I had a block of open time. Just like I had scheduled several other things to do during this block of open time. As I go around the house doing this and that, following my pattern of adding several other things I could do during this block of open time, the feeling of panic begins to creep in. I then begin to forcefully slow my thoughts down and rationalize and prioritize these thoughts, reminding myself that there are many more open Mondays and weekends to come (we are after all in COVID time). I am learning to let go of those lists and trust that things will all fall into place when the time is right for them. I am learning that by pushing some things to later, I am not procrastinating or loosing time, I am making the most of the time I have by prioritizing. I am giving attention to those things that either lift my spirit in the moment or that don’t make me feel crowded.

I have been cluttering my thoughts, my time, my calendar. I am now learning to organize that clutter. The seeds will be sown. Not today, not this week. But they will be. When the time is right. And when it is, I will give my due attention and care to that project. Until then, I continue my one thing at a time. Mindfully.

Here I go!